Thursday, February 09, 2006

So I've been thinking.

Harmless enough, in itself.

But then, following thinking, one is generally inspiried to do something. But just because one is inspired to do something, it doesn't mean anything actually gets done.

That's when you know you've been thinking too much. Or too big.

Follow me?

So I'm down-sizing my thoughts.

Here's my problem: I get an idea to do something. Then I figure it's not a good enough idea on it's own, I have to elaborate on it. I have to do a really big something. A really perfect ingenioius amazing something. Then I think, Ok, this'll take some planning. I need to write lists. I need to gather resources. I need to prepare myself. Already I'm feeling overwhelmed by it. I need chocolate. (After all, I should reward myself for such a great idea, and also, I need to keep my blood sugar up.) Then I think, What if I don't do it perfectly amazingly ingeniously? I start to worry. I check my lists. I eat more chocolate. I wait. I procrastinate.

I don't do it.

So I've figured out that I do this, you see. I realise I need to lighten up on myself (what a good idea). Let me elaborate: I have an intense fear of failure, due to the deep conviction that only perfection is acceptable, which leads me to place extremely unreasonable expectations on myself. You know, I could actually use this process of self-discovery in my counselling. I could use it to help me notice and empathise with similar faulty reasoning in my clients. I could then try a variety of methods to help move people towards greater self-acceptance. I could take note of which methods help the most, and write an article detailing this new technique, which could be published in a really reputable, peer-reviewed journal. Of course, I'll need to think about this further... Where's the chocolate?

So, no really. I have an idea. I'm just going to lighten up on myself.

How do I do that? I mean, really. This is just one more thing for me to figure out. I have to learn to live with failure.

And I need to get it right.

2 comments:

Rodney Olsen said...

I often look at other people doing their thing and think, "I could do that better than them". Then I realise that at least they're doing something while all I'm doing is thinking about it.

Those that move ahead are often not the very best at a particular discipline or skill but those who get out and have a go.

Ampersand Duck said...

You've just summed up my life. Gah. I go through cycles of getting depressed about it, then I have a huge burst of energy and get a few things done, then I start piling up the lists and the cycle starts again.

Oh well, better than thinking nothing. Keep up the good work!